jones

By Kalley Huang

i wonder if know that my father hates the beach hates swimming because he entered america with nothing but a dream on the oldest fucking boat in the world tee tottering across the atlantic probably thought he was gonna drown and die or die and drown probably only recalls unaddressed trauma when he’s on the beach with bonafide american beauties and their blonde hair and tan skin and imagine having so much time in the world that you can spend the day on a beach in the nasty sand under the burning sun by the deadly waves so he probably hates the beach hates swimming because of that probably i guess i wouldn’t actually know because we don’t talk can’t talk because i’m only fluent in one chinese dialect but my parents in at least three so i guess we can talk but you know what they’re least fluent in not english but emotion but who has time for emotion when you’re starving and homeless and in constant danger of being deported i guess they didn’t probably i wouldn’t actually know but really who has time for emotion anytime both working their asses off for me because that’s how you show real love don’t really need none of that other bullshit both brown hands in the dirt don’t need to go to the beach to be brown and beautiful and ugly and i don’t know how to tell them that i love them hate them love them as in i literally don’t know how to say it i was never taught the word for love or hate but i know more words like hate than like love i don’t know if they love me or hate me i don’t know how to tell them that i feel both ways constantly don’t know how to tell mama i wanna scream for her because she deserves so much more than me don’t know how to tell baba he can go to the beach and swim and be happy and free